so i am not so sure how i let things get this bad....maybe it was my overwhelming depression or maybe it was the fact that every pound i put on made me feel worse and made me realize how much i had to lose....but it just keeps getting worse and my life is in absolute chaos...i have to start putting the pieces back together again and getting things back in my control....i want to be able to ride my horse again and enjoy it....now i am too fat to do that....the poor horse's back would cave in....and i want to stop missing out on things because i am too much of an embarrassment to be seen and i want to stop letting my family down....please god help me fix all the wrongs in my life....and let me learn from this weight how disgusting i am and to never get back up to this size AGAIN EVER!!!

this is just for my own personal discoveries and to keep me on track.....hopefully:)

i want my life back ...i want my control back....i want to not let this binge eating ruin all my hard work....
when i hit 130....i will be able to fit nicely into my jeans again
when i hit 125 i will be able to wear my outfits and look somewhat cute again
and hopefully when i get to 120 my little black dress will look amazing again.....must stay focused i cant stand being this weight and i need to LOSE LOSE LOSE ASAP!!!  i must be strong ....i cant live this life anymore at this size..... 

no matter how hard i will begin again...i will lose again....i will get back to where i used to be...i will stay on track....and be positive....only i can do this...no one is going to do it for me....and i have to stay motivated ...otherwises my depression makes me fail....here goes nothing....must get to first GW....must do this....there is no choice...i cant live this way...i cant be this weight....god give me the strength to be patient and accept the things i cannot change...and change the things i can!!! 

 i never know if this life is worth it....all the counting and calorie obession....and for what i lose and gain...lose and gain....it never seems to come off and stay off....i see all my friends eating food...staying thin and being happy....i just want the same things...but feel my lack of control will always get me in the end....i know that i should feel that i am more than a number on the scale...but i just feel so fat and disgusting and depressed....i feel better when i am strong and motivated...but when i mess up i feel like such a failure....so its hard to find the positivity to keep going....i cant go on with the binging....it ruins everything in my life.....i want to believe in myself again and have hope....hope that one day things wont be this hard....and my life will not feel like such a waste....i guess we will see....

sometimes it is so hard to even find the strength to go on living each day....i miss the enjoyment i used to find in life....i miss not hating myself so much it hurts to breath....i miss the life i used to have...one filled with family and friends and going out and having fun...but most importantly i miss the love i use to know...the love that was so powerful that now i feel as though it almost kept me alive....i walk around everyday smiling and pretending like i am okay....but on the inside i am slowly dying....not wanting to live this existence anymore...yes existence because it would be a pathetic joke to call what i am doing each day a life!!!

I had such a bad weekend....i need to lose weight...i was doing so well and then i lost it all on a binge...i can't stop obessing over food...and i can't stand even looking at my face in the mirror anymore...even my face looks fat...i am so disgusting...i need to lose about 30lbs...but it takes so long...and the days seem to go by so slow...why can i gain weight in like two seconds but takes forever to lose it again?  I AM SO LOST>>>LIFE SUCKS!!